A bedtime story for little Stevie

[Slip Mahoney]

"Dad, when is Mom coming home?"

"She called a few minutes ago. She'll be back around 11."

"I thought she would finish my bedtime story because I was too sleepy to listen to all of it last night."

"No problemo, amigo. I'll tell you a story."

"No thanks, Dad."

"It's a good story."

"It's okay, Dad. I don't want a story."

"Why, of course you do. Once upon a time...don't roll your eyes like that. You picked that up from your sister, didn't you? Once upon a time, there were three ugly sisters who lived in the jungle. One day, they decided to go out and gather some ice cream for a salad..."

"They have ice cream in the jungle?"

"This is a magic jungle. As they were walking along and picking mushrooms for dessert, they happened upon a toad sitting on a frogstool..."

"What?"

"I said that they happened upon a frog sitting on a toadstool."

"No, you didn't."

"Who's telling this story? I know what I said."

"No, you don't."

"Anyway, one of the sisters was allergic to frogs so she gave it a swift kick. Had there been a couple of trees in the area, it would have been a field goal for sure."

"There's lots of trees in the jungle."

"This was a magic jungle. Stop interrupting my story."

"The frog was a prince, right?"

"Nah, he was just a dumb old frog. When the ugly sisters gathered enough enchanted lettuce, they made an omelet and became beautiful overnight. Then they got a job as cheerleaders for the Dallas Cowboys and lived happily ever after. The end.

"Good night, Dad."

Good night, son."

[Lagniappe]

so...did Liz get back in time to chase the nightmares away?

"Mo-ommmm! there was cheerleaders, with cleavers, and squished frogs..and..."

[RebelK]

Your children are scarred for life aren't they? The only defense I can see is that the daughter is probably steering the son along the righteous path.

You told these poor kids that the Easter Fairy delivers pumpkins and picks up loose teeth and gifts too didn't ya?

[Toymaker]

Why doesa this make me think of Archie Campbell, of Hee Haw fame?

Rindercella, who had three sugly isters, went to the bancy fall, where she met the pransome hince, but slopped her dripper.

[Luvsadawg]

No no no no....

They were Sistly Uglers. My sisters and I were called that for years. We still make reference to that knick name.

[Slip Mahoney]

Another Mahoney thread on it's way to Cuba.

[robinh]

I have a friend who like to tell the story of Loldygocks and the Bee Threars, who went focking in the worest...

[whatami]

It must be a Super Magic Story-land Magic Forrest if you mention the Cowboys and a kicked (good) Fieldgoal in the same story!!

[Toymaker]

I won't mention Goldilocks and the Wild Orgiastic Coital Fury in the Forest, because that's for the adult bedtime story thread.

[Slip Mahoney]

My son doesn't care for my stories because I leave too many questions unanswered. And he gets ticked off because I use the "magic" dodge when I'm pressed.

He wants logical fairy tales.

What do I know from logic? I'm Irish Catholic.

[RebelK]

Originally posted by Slip Mahoney
My son doesn't care for my stories because I leave too many questions unanswered. And he gets ticked off because I use the "magic" dodge when I'm pressed.

He wants logical fairy tales.

What do I know from logic? I'm Irish Catholic.

I'd stick with the guilt stories then like, Cinderella, Hansel & Gretel, Little Red Riding Hood, etc.

[DesertGeezer]

FOR WHOM THE BLUEBELL TOILS

Once upon a time an itty bitty rose went tripping gaily through the flower bed on her way to Mrs. Tulip’s house. Mrs. Tulip had promised Julie Rose (for that was her name) a treat of fertilizer cookies. In order to get to Mrs. Tulip’s section of the garden, however, Julie had to go through mean old Mr. Onion’s yard. Of course, everyone knows that sweet-smelling roses just don’t go with nasty, sharp-smelling onions. And Julie, who
knew old Mr. Onion to be mean as well as smelly, was quite afraid.

Fearful though she was, Julie thought about how good those fertilizer cookies would be and soon forgot mean old Mr. Onion. She crept quietly into his yard, stopped a moment to listen, then scurried to get to the other side as quickly as possible.

Just as she was about to cross the borderline to the other side of Mr. Onion’s yard, the mean old fellow saw her and rushed to catch her. Julie screamed and ran faster, but mean old Mr. Onion ran faster than she, and soon caught her and took her back to his house.

“Ho, ho!” said mean old Mr. Onion. “If it isn’t little Julie Rose from the rose patch. Just wait, my little pretty, and I’ll smell you up till no other of you kind will ever associate with you!”

“Oh, no! Please don’t do that!” cried poor Julie, for now she was really frightened. “I only wanted to get to Mrs. Tulip’s house because she promised me some fertilizer cookies. I didn’t want to go all the way around the pond, for it seems to stretch for miles
and I get so tired that way. I wasn’t hurting anything.”

“Ha!” shouted old Mr. Onion. “Ha! I’ll have no excuses , my pretty. I’m just going to smell you up so you won’t be worth a scent!”

Julie screamed and ran for the door. When mean old Mr. Onion blocked her way, she ran around the room trying to keep away from him.

Fortunately, Billy Bluebell, Julie’s boyfriend who lived across the furrow, heard the screams (for now they came thick and fast), and, recognizing them for Julie’s he ran pell mell to the rescue. He raced for Mr. Onion’s house, broke in the door and shouted,
“Unhand that flower, you villain!”

A terrible fight ensued, and Mr. Onion, who was quite spry for such a nasty old villain, almost knocked Billy out. He even stooped so low as to hit Billy in the root, which, as everybody knows, is a low blow in any battle. But Billy was a punch-ent little fellow and he almost knocked the greens out of mean old Mr. Onion.

“Curses!” screamed mean old Mr. Onion. “Double curses!” And he ran out of the house as fast as he could go.

“My hero!” cried Julie as she threw her leaves around Billy (being careful not to stick him with a thorn or two). “You have saved my smell!”

Then the two flowers walked leaf in leaf to Mrs. Tulip’s house and feasted upon fertilizer cookies until they were full.

Needless to say, they lived happily ever after, and they were never bothered by mean old Mr. Onion again.


I wrote this about 42 years ago, when I was just a young'un. Today's updated version would probably have Julie winking at Billy and saying, "This is really good shit." And Billy, with his mouth full, would be unable to answer.

[Slip Mahoney]

Thanks for stealing my thunder, Dee Gee.

Your story is way better than mine.

You one-upping scurvy dog.

[DesertGeezer]

No, no, no! I have nothing to say anymore (see newest ICU thread) so I had to dip back to ancient hisroty to dredge up something even close to yours. You really make me laugh, old top.







Besides, I was shamelessly groping for attention. I'm so LONELY.

[Slip Mahoney]

Well, you make me laugh too, old stick.

Stop it at twice. The dog looks at me weird when I laugh at the monitor.

[DesertGeezer]

Originally posted by Slip Mahoney
Well, you make me laugh too, old stick.

Stop it at twice. The dog looks at me weird when I laugh at the monitor.

Maybe he knows something?

[Ranger Jeff]

Tell him the one about the beautiful kind princess who got married and turned into an ugly mean ogress?

Or the classics. Read him Oedipus Rex.