Another Never-Ending Story

[Ursa Major]

He was some kind of, well, some kind of batboy! And not the kind you see at Wrigley Field. His large, pointed, translucent ears twitched as he watched us cringe in horror.

[Penquin47]

It looked like a giant bat might. I couldn't figure out why a giant bat would just now yell yuck at its own guano that had been here for ages, though.

[RichPella]

As though she were reading my mind, the Baroness asked the boy, "Why would you yell 'Yuck!' at us? Do we scare you? How long have you been down here, anyway?"

[Ursa Major]

"Anyway! Yuck! Anyway!", the batboy replied.

"Polly want a cracker?", I asked

"Cracker! Cracker!", he repeated.

[Penquin47]

"A giant bat parrot... thing... lovely," the Baroness muttered under her breath. "This apartment complex truly has gone downhill since Father sold it off."

[Ursa Major]

Every now and then we gumshoes have an epiphany, where all of our innate deductive intuition churns out an answer to a question that hasn't even been asked yet.

"Of course!", I exclaimed, "You must be the daughter of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern Schplenden Schlitter Crasscrenbon Fried Digger Dangle Dungle Burstein von Knacker Thrasher Apple Banger Horowitz Ticolensic Grander Knotty Spelltinkle Grandlich Grumblemeyer Spelterwasser Kürstlich Himbleeisen Bahnwagen Gutenabend Bitte Eine Nürnburger Bratwustle Gerspurten mit Zweimache Luber Hundsfut Gumberaber Shönendanker Kalbsfleisch Mittler Raucher von Hautkopft Throatwarbler! Indeed, the very same man they named the Gambolputty de von Ausfern Schplenden Schlitter Crasscrenbon Fried Digger Dangle Dungle Burstein von Knacker Thrasher Apple Banger Horowitz Ticolensic Grander Knotty Spelltinkle Grandlich Grumblemeyer Spelterwasser Kürstlich Himbleeisen Bahnwagen Gutenabend Bitte Eine Nürnburger Bratwustle Gerspurten mit Zweimache Luber Hundsfut Gumberaber Shönendanker Kalbsfleisch Mittler Raucher von Hautkopft Throatwarbler Building after!"

[Dick Macy]

"You got it, Slick", she replied.

But that didn't really explain the batboy in the corner, did it?

[Ursa Major]

The sound of footsteps could be heard descending the stairway down to the basement. Batboy hopped into the nearby dumpster and scampered up the garbage chute. The dame caught on quicker than I did, "Someone has to save our skins. Into the garbage chute, fly boy!"

[Penquin47]

I was still trying to protest that I was human, not a fly, when the door opened. Quickly I shut my mouth, but then I realized there was no avoiding the facts - firstly, we couldn't both escape, and secondly, she still hadn't paid me.

[FlopperTopper]

As she lept into the garbage chute I wondered where it could go since we were already in the basement. As the shadowy figure entered the room I unleashed a series of blows.
I would have to apologize to Mrs. McGillacutty in the morning for knocking her out again.

[Dick Macy]

If the old girl wasn't constantly getting in the way of my fists, she wouldn't get hurt so much.

Thinking again about the money that the Dame owed to me, I scampered after her. The money was becoming more important, considering that Mrs. McGillacutty was probably going to sue me.

[Ursa Major]

Then again, what kind of landlady has a basement full of guano. A batshit crazy one, that's what kind.

[RichPella]

I followed the Baroness up the garbage chute, wishing I had a third hand to plug my nose. As we emerged, I saw a bright light. "Wow!" I exclaimed. "Is it morning already?"

[Dick Macy]

Of course, it wasn't morning already -- the bright light was coming from the Maglite that Sergeant Mahoney was pointing at me.

Seems like, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get away from the cops. All I really wanted to do was get my money and run.

[FlopperTopper]

That's all I wanted and maybe something else as I inspected the damage caused by the chute to the outfit the Baroness was wearing.

[Ursa Major]

I forced myself to return my attention back to the sergeant, "Say, officer, have you met our friend Batboy?"

"Bat-who?", the copper asked before being clocked from behind by a small but powerful webbed fist.

[Dick Macy]

Dumb cop.

Taking further note of the Baroness's outfit, or lack thereof, I found my...um... attention...er... rising. Naturally.

[Ursa Major]

Because nothing turns me on like a well dressed woman covered in bat shit. But that's what the Internet is for. I've got an escape to make good, a murder to solve, and a fee to collect.

[Dick Macy]

But not necessarily in that order.

In fact, if I could just collect my fee, and get the hell out of here, I might be willing to forget about solving the murder.

[FlopperTopper]

She wouldn't pay me if I didn't actually get the umbrella back. With Batboy taking pictures of the decked copper for his new job at the tabloid I figured it should be easy to head back upstairs.

[Penquin47]

As if my day had not been surreal enough, I got there just in time to watch the umbrella fly out the window. Attached to the umbrella were several large swallows. If only I knew whether they were African or European...

[Ursa Major]

As if reading my mind, Kate said, "Those are clearly Hirundo rustica. Hirundo spilodera don't have the forked tail. And as any kindergarten student can tell you, the average cruising airspeed velocity of an unladen European Swallow is roughly 11 meters per second, or 24 miles an hour." She pulled out a slide rule and mumbled to herself, "Assuming my umbrella weighs 1.8 lbs..."

[RichPella]

"What the hell?!" I bellowed. "You carry a slide rule with you at all times, just in case you need to do complex math while running for your life?" I snatched the slide rule with my left hand, grabbed Kate's left hand with my right, and started jogging in the direction the swallows were flying.

[Dick Macy]

Jogging, however, is not a sport at which I excel, due to being a heavy smoker. This being the case, I decided to stop and have a smoke -- a Lucky Strike, naturally, which I ignited with my trusty old Zippo. Everybody knows that all of us hard-boiled detectives smoke Luckies and use a Zippo.

[PUNdit]

We use a Zippo because it's a silent lighter, except for the occasional honk. It made me wonder if those were really swallows or geese in disguise.